Intimate Relationships and Love

556
FIGURE
Chapter 14
Social Psychology
14.5
Balanced and Imbalanced
Relationships
+
Meagan
+
Here are some common examples of balanced and imbalanced relationships
among three people. The plus and minus
signs refer to liking and disliking, respectively. Balanced relationships are comfortable and harmonious; imbalanced ones
often bring conflict.
Abigail
+
Meagan
+
+
+
–
–
Samantha
Samantha
Meagan
Abigail
Abigail
+
Meagan
–
–
Abigail
+
Samantha
Samantha
Balanced relationships
Imbalanced relationships
An especially good predictor of liking is similarity in attitudes about mutual
acquaintances, because in general, people prefer relationships that are balanced. As illustrated in Figure 14.5, if Meagan likes Abigail, the relationship is balanced as long as
they agree on their evaluation of a third person, regardless of whether they like or dislike that third person. However, the relationship will be imbalanced if Meagan and Abigail disagree on their evaluation of a third person.
One reason why we like people whose attitudes are similar to our own is that we
expect such people to think highly of us (Condon & Crano, 1988). It’s hard to say,
though, whether attraction is a cause or an effect of similarity. For example, you might
like someone because his attitudes are similar to yours, but it is also possible that as a
result of liking him, your attitudes will become more similar to his (Davis & Rusbult,
2001). Even if your own attitudes do not change, you may change your perceptions of
the liked person’s attitudes such that those attitudes now seem more similar to yours
(Brehm, 1992).
Physical Attractiveness Physical characteristics are another important factor in
attraction, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. From preschool through
adulthood, physical attractiveness is a key to popularity with members of both sexes
(Langlois et al., 2000; Lemly, 2000). Consistent with the matching hypothesis of interpersonal attraction, however, people tend to date, marry, or form other committed relationships with those who are similar to themselves in physical attractiveness (Yela &
Sangrador, 2001). One possible reason for this outcome is that although people tend
to be most attracted to those with the greatest physical appeal, they also want to avoid
being rejected by such individuals. So it may be compromise, not preference, that leads
people to pair off with those who are roughly equivalent to themselves in physical
attractiveness (Carli, Ganley, & Pierce-Otay, 1991).
Intimate Relationships and Love
matching hypothesis
The notion that
people are most likely to form committed relationships with others who
are similar to themselves in physical
attractiveness.
There is much about intimate relationships that psychologists do not and may never
understand, but they are learning all the time. For example, evolutionary psychologists suggest that men and women employ different strategies to ensure the survival
of their genes and that each gender looks for different attributes in a potential mate
(Kenrick et al., 2005; Li & Kenrick, 2006; Schmitt, 2003). The physical appearance
of a partner tends to be more important to men than to women, whereas the partner’s intelligence tends to be more important to women than to men (Buss, 2004;
see Figure 14.6).
557
Interpersonal Attraction
14.6
Sex Differences in Date and
Mate Preferences
According to evolutionary psychologists,
men and women have developed different
strategies for selecting sexual partners.
These psychologists say that women became more selective than men because
they can have relatively few children and
want a partner who is best able to help
support those children. Here are some
data that support this idea. When asked
about the intelligence of people they
would choose for one-night stands, dating,
and sexual relationships, women preferred
much smarter partners than men did. Only
when the choices concerned steady dating
and marriage did the men’s preference for
bright partners equal that of the women.
Critics of the evolutionary approach explain such sex differences as reflecting
learned social norms and expectations of
the way men and women should behave
(Eagly & Wood, 1999; Miller, PutchaBhagavatula, & Pedersen, 2002).
Lowest acceptable intelligence
in a partner
FIGURE
Substantially
above average
Above average
Average
Below average
Substantially
below average
One
night
Date
Sexual
relations
Date
steadily
Marry
Female respondents
Male respondents
Source: Kenrick et al. (1993).
Intimate Relationships Eventually, people who are attracted to each other usually
become interdependent, which means that the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of one
person affect the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of the other (Rusbult, Arriaga, &
Agnew, 2001). Interdependence is one of the defining characteristics of intimate relationships (Agnew et al., 1998).
Another key component of successful intimate relationships is commitment, which
is the extent to which each person is psychologically attached to the relationship and
wants to remain in it (Rusbult & Van Lange, 1996). People feel committed to a relationship when they are satisfied with the rewards they receive from it, when they have
invested significant tangible and intangible resources in it, and when they have few
attractive alternative relationships available to them (Bui, Peplau, & Hill, 1996).
Analyzing Love Although some people think love is simply a strong form of lik-
ing, recent research suggests that romantic love and liking are quite separate emotions,
at least in the sense that they are associated with differing patterns of brain chemistry
and brain activity (Aron et al., 2005; Emanuele et al., 2006). And although romantic
love and sexual desire are often experienced together, they, too, seem to be separate
emotions associated with different patterns of physiological arousal (Diamond, 2004).
Further, most theorists agree that there are several different types of love (Brehm et al.,
2005). One widely accepted view distinguishes between passionate (romantic) love and
companionate love (Hendrick & Hendrick, 2003). Passionate love is intense, arousing,
and marked by both strong physical attraction and deep emotional attachment. Sexual
feelings are intense, and thoughts of the other intrude on each person’s awareness frequently. Companionate love is less arousing but psychologically more intimate. It is
marked by mutual concern for the welfare of the other and a willingness to disclose
personal information and feelings. People who experience companionate love seem especially satisfied with their lives (Brehm et al. 2005; Hendrick & Hendrick, 2003; Kim &
Hatfield, 2004).
Robert Sternberg (1988a, 1997a) has offered an even broader analysis of love.
According to his triangular theory, the three basic components of love are passion,
intimacy, and commitment (see Figure 14.7). Various combinations of these components result in various types of love. For example, Sternberg suggests that romantic
love involves a high degree of passion and intimacy, yet lacks substantial commitment
to the other person. Companionate love is marked by a great deal of intimacy and
commitment but little passion. Consummate love is the most complete and satisfying.
It is the most complete because it includes a high level of all three components. It is
558
Chapter 14
FIGURE
Social Psychology
14.7
A Triangular Theory of Love
According to Sternberg, different types of love result when the three basic components in his triangular theory occur in different combinations. Sternberg has also explored factors associated with falling in love (Sternberg, Hojjat & Barnes, 2001). Preliminary results suggest that
people who share similar views about what a loving relationship should be like are much more likely to fall in love with each other and remain
committed to the relationship than are people whose views on love are dissimilar.
INTIMACY
Liking =
Intimacy Alone
(true friendship without passion
or long-term commitment)
Romantic Love =
Companionate
Intimacy + Passion
Love = Intimacy
(lovers physically
+ Commitment
and emotionally
(long-term committed
attracted to each
friendship such
other but without
as a marriage in
Consummate Love =
commitment, as in
which the passion
Intimacy + Passion
a summer romance)
has faded)
+ Commitment
(a complete love
consisting of all three
CO
components—an
MM
ITM
N
ideal
difficult
to
attain)
O
I
ENT
S
S
PA
Infatuation =
Empty Love =
Passion Alone
Commitment Alone
(passionate, obsessive
(decision to love
love at first sight
another without
Fatuous Love =
without intimacy
intimacy or passion)
Passion + Commitment
or commitment)
(commitment based on passion but without
time for intimacy to develop—shallow
relationship such as a whirlwind courtship)
Source: Sternberg (1988a).
the most satisfying because the relationship is likely to fulfill many of the needs of
each partner.
Cultural factors have a strong influence on the way people think about love and marriage. In North America and the United Kingdom, for example, the vast majority of
people believe that they should love the person they marry. By contrast, in India and
Pakistan, about half the people interviewed in a survey said they would marry someone they did not love if that person had other qualities that they desired (Levine et al.,
1995). In Russia, only 40 percent of respondents said that they married for love. Most
reported marrying because of loneliness, shared interests, or an unplanned pregnancy
(Baron & Byrne, 1994).
Strong and Weak Marriages Long-term research on successful and unsuccessful
marriages suggests that premarital attitudes, feelings, and perceptions can predict marital success. For example, couples who have a close, intimate relationship, similar attitudes,
and realistic views of each other’s strengths and weaknesses when they are dating are more
likely than other couples to remain married (Hill & Peplau, 1998; Neff & Karney, 2005).
Among married couples, women—but not men—generally tend to be more satisfied with their marriages when the partners talk a lot about the relationship (Acitelli,